covid19 - day 42

April 26, 2020

This week was difficult

And now a blur

Days melting into one

Furloughs

Project shifting

Weight gained

Back aches deeply

Foggy mind

Walking on jello

Chaos continues

“Take in UV Light and inject disinfectant” - that was really said

Washout days

Nice days

Ho hum days

Blending

Sleeplessness

Awakeness

Fear

Sadness

———-

First week I’ve felt a deep disconnect of irrelevancy

Feeling like my life has flashed in a pan of nothing

I have great stories that mean absolutely nothing

I’ve not cultivated or grown anything

And lost which or what is of any remote interest

My paintings suck

As do my colorings

I’m out of shape and practice

I’ve lost the ability to ideate and concept

To dance and move to an aligned rhythm

In a moment of panic, i wondered if this is what aging is

And what the fuck i’m going to do about it

Cause I can’t continue on wallowing in this

Yes, I dried up and faded to a slow curl over the past two decades

I wondered if all those things I let go of really meant anything to begin with

if i had lost hunger

But at 56, i cannot continue on through many more decades in a slow drift

I need to find the fight

And the discipline

And the desire again

covid19 - day 36

April 20, 2020

Exhaustion

That space of fear

Unknowing what’s on the other side

Blindfolded

Naivety

Only way to stay sane

and

hopeful

Looking

Inroads

Passages

Options

Hall of doors

covid19 - day 35

April 19, 2020

Unfathomable

Sinking

Rising

Slowing

Quickening

Tasks

Want to’s

Must do’s

Greenlawn

Water

Walk

Wet plate

Simulations

Meanderings

New routines

Struggle

One day

hold

Food

Breakfast: egg, half bagel with cream cheese; chia pudding with berries;

Dinner: fish poached with potato and yellow squash; salad

Dessert: apple, chamomile

covid19 - day 34

April 18, 2020

Snow

Seriously

Then rain

Grey

Cold

Halloween pictures

Music

One world together at home

Settler

Teleportraits

(who knew)

Projected images

From phones/laptops

Photographed

Edited

Placed on graphic backgrounds

EXCITING

So much to learn

To do

And time for the brakes on food

Radical change coming

Tomorrow

covid19 - day 33

April 17, 2020

Hope

Despite the terrible dark

The maniac monster

inciting riots

& sickness

Silent

screams

of justice

of peace

of sanity

Desperate for goodness

And it surfaced

An eagle feathered Cheif

sharing truth

and dreams

and silk smoke

stories

of spiritual stars

and prayer cloths

and remembrance

of art making

start with what you know about

start with what’s part of you

covid19 - day 32

April 16, 2020

Lighter

Clinging to a naive hope

A prayer

A belief there must be a breakthrough

A treatment

A cure

SOMETHING

to alleviate the insanity

Upset the apple cart

But followed by instincts

and let it all out

Hearing my own voice

and conviction

feeds a strength

Navigating the path

is a messy

imperfect

improper

sometimes mildly destructive

But

I get up

I walk and yoga and pray

I shower and put pants on with zippers

And a blouse with a bra

And makeup - ever so lightly

It’s not much

And less than most

But it’s all I got

And hanging on

Thoughts, hopes, heart filled prayers

for those in nursing homes

and VA homes

and homes like my mom’s in

and for those literally trying to survive

Wishing with all my heart

that everyone stands strong and makes it through

and after november 8, we have real hope again

Food

Breakfast: smoothie; Dinner: chicken, salad, cheese, crackers; Dessert: small dish of ice cream, jellybeans

covid19 - day 31

April 15, 2020

Awoke in tears

Horrifying nightmares

My worst fears come true

So deep I couldn’t shake it

And semi refused to acknowledge

It’s just a dream

Too often conflicted with empath sensitivities

Paired with a head that lies to me in my own voice

Shifting

Hiding in work play

Ideating

Surprised by those reaching out

Heart-warmed to hear other voices

Eager to see faces on Sat morning

Even if it’s via electronics

There were videos of the good people do

Enough to make one cry

And the news

The daily dread of disbelief

All the good

Stalked by the terrible

But there is hope

And I can’t not believe

The arc of good will prevail

Food

Breakfast: Smoothie; Lunch: Avocado toast, chips, lemon pot de creme; Dinner: leftover lasagna and salad; Dessert: chocolate chip cookies, jellybeans

covid19 - day 30

April 14, 2020

Anxiety

Feeling left out

Fighting to be relevant

Walking a fine line of appearing desperate

Want to scream that digital is not the solution

Short term yes

But not mid-long term

Looking for solutions

Took a risk

Ideas surfaced

Shaped them into words

Tangible sketches

Thought starters

Felt a sense of validation

And relevancy

A calming

And clearing

Good talk with dad

For a moment, it feels normal

Until I turn on the news

The dictator is emerging in force

Claiming rights that don’t exist

Words that will be in history books

Hard to believe this is real life

Food

I’ve gained weight

I feel wider and fuller and yet…I still eat not so wonderfully

Eating for relief

For something to look forward to

And hate that that can’t be art

Breakfast: egg, bagel with cream cheese; Lunch: chia pudding with berries; Dinner: fried chicken and salad. Dessert: vanilla pudding, chocolate chip cookies, jellybeans

covid19 - day 29

April 13, 2020

What was today

A sequence

A repeat

A blur

Today was insane weather

Wind

Thrashing

Rain

Pounding

Almost like the earth responding to the gas lighting

And lies

Mad cow

Insanity displayed in plain sight

And fear

That fosters defensiveness

And justification

And discomfort

A need to fight

for one’s own validation

Hanging on

Seeing pictures of what it was before

Searing through like a knife

Wounded

Anger that what was

Will not be for a very long time

Grief

A death of humanity

Looking for the sliver of hope

Clinging to that

Food

Breakfast: Egg, Toast; Lunch: Peanut butter toast, chips, fruit; Dinner: meatballs and pasta, salad, garlic bread; Dessert: jellybeans

covid19 - day 28

April 12, 2020

Easter

The day began peaceful

All the boxes ticked

Meditation

Yoga

Italian

Meeting

Church services on zoom

Tears at seeing pictures of last year

Wondering if that will ever be again

Nostalgia

Gratitude for Kathianne … CFSL Seattle

Another lifetime, another being

Short walk

Standing in front of the old house to talk with old friends across the street

Numb to the 13 Easters had in that house

For a moment, things felt normal

but surreal

Nearly one year ago when the world tilted

Long walk

Too many people

And many not really caring about distance

Irritation

Always have to cross streets to avoid people

Exhaustion

People sitting where I had planned to rest

Stopping to take a few pictures

Brushed by those walking by

Erupted - few things said which could have been said kinder

Stress turned misery turned anger turned to tears

Bake

Puddings - lemon pot d’creme

More puddings - vanilla and chia

Then bath

Pizza

Bed

covid19 - week 4 in pictures

April 12, 2020

Masks, Physical Distance conversations, Bells for Healthcare, Drive by Restaurant pick ups (no more inside), Hearts on windows, Business closings, Spring creeping in slowly (very f’ing slowly), weather, beautiful bright spring light and the beginning of a plateau with a push to open up in May (though that remains to be seen). Trump is melting into madness. Daily pretend pressers that are really rallies. #StopAiringTrump as it’s like witnessing 2016 all over again. Deaths are slowing; still terrible but moving form one every 42 seconds to one every minute in NYC anyway. Other areas are starting to hit. The physical distance is helping contain things but people are not as careful now that they’re wearing masks.

covid19 - day 27

April 11, 2020

Just show up

However it is

Whatever it is

Fight for it

Be with it

Shift with it

Know it isn’t forever

Just for today

Today was clear

WINDY

Spring scented

Empty

Wide spaces

Choppy water

Dancing willows

Long walk

Yoga

Painted - well out of practice

Colored - getting better

Hangouts with friends

so good to see faces

so soothing to hear voices

Reminded of life

To stay living

in alignment

To breathe

Food

Smoothie (Breakfast); Half sandwich w/ cheese, tomato & lettuce with blue chips and blackberries (lunch); crab cake, leftover veggie pasta (dinner)

covid19 - week 5 in pictures

April 11, 2020

Masks now commonplace, more construction with restrictions, spring light and skies and blooms.

covid19 - days 25, 26

April 11, 2020

Could not get past the darkness or the tears to write

Wearing grief like a mask

Wondering how we navigate what’s next

Not knowing where I fit or how to contribute

Feeling stifled

Helpless

Frozen

Knowing my particular makeup can deepen and distort reality

But seized by absolute panic

And tears

Feeling old

And irrelevant

Desperate for an internal breakthrough

Aware that these are defining times

The navigation we take as keys to the arriving destination

Contributing to and consuming the noise isn’t solving anything

Awed by others creativity

And authenticity

Feeling hollowed out

Carvings etched and scratched open

Moving beyond a hollow of silent screams

Walk

Wander

Breathe

Reminded of the Churchill quote:

If you’re going through hell….keep going

Food

Why is this important - I am food challenged and this is a way of keeping myself accountable and actionable.

Wed: Smoothie (Breakfast); Capallini w/ garlic, squash and cherry tomatoes & chicken with salad (Dinner); Ice cream
Thurs: Egg/toast (Breakfast); PB&J on toast, blue potato chips, apple (Dinner)
Fri: Egg/Toast (Breakfast); Lasagna, salad, garlic toast (Dinner); chocolate chip cookies (homemade)

covid19 - day 24

April 07, 2020

FEAR

of the oligarch in the white house

of him never leaving

of people not getting the danger here

they didn’t in 2016

and I fear they still don’t

it’s been a slow dismantling of the country

that’s now in acceleration

rigging elections

forcing people to vote in the midst of a pandemic

corrupt extreme political judges saturating the courts

is there no end to this

when does good prevail

how do we rid ourselves of the real virus

the fox news

the lying nazis pretending to be politicians

the lunacy of these words

and how it all sounds

despite its truth

despite the sunshine

and spring trying desperately to break in

i take small bits of humor wherever i can

and stay up quite late

exhaustion is the only way i can sleep

FOOD

Breakfast: smoothie

Dinner: capellini with roasted squash and tomatoes, salad, garlic toast

Dessert: coconut cake, ice cream, jelly beans

covid19 - day 23

April 06, 2020

Beautiful early spring day

Bluest of blue skies and warm sunshine

Smells like spring

Sweetened air

Fragrant

——

Walked/photographed

Worked

Yoga

Ate

Struggling to know what to do

if anything

Still looking for a rhythm

Feel I should have one by now

But I don’t

The orange man is getting cagier

And ragier

And crazier

And yet the goodness and creativity of so many amaze me

I can’t seem to get past what it’ll be like on the other side of this

Somehow feels like we will always be defined by it

For my lifetime at least

Is this how they felt after the Spanish flu?

How I wish someone were alive who could give perspective

FOOD

Breakfast: an egg with toast (something different/change it up)

Lunch: smoothie

Dinner: chicken, salad, cheese/crackers

Dessert: coconut cake and chamomile and tiny scoop of vanilla ice cream (but no jellybeans - progress)

covid19 - day 22

April 05, 2020

Today was adrift

Looking

Piano - or no piano

Clock - or no clock

Hit with wish list

Turntable

Computer

Furniture

Frames

No much among such uncertainty

Feeling squeezed

Time to look?

Stay or go

Did I miss an opportunity

Am i missing one

or is where I am safe

The getting back feels further and further away

I’m afraid

It’s everything to stay in the moment

Weekend was entrenched with yoga and walking

Blew off baking

Colored some though I’m out of practice with color, with drawing, with art

With dancing

With so many aspects of a once filled life

Time to make some changes

A schedule

A rhythm

A routine

FOOD

Breakfast both days: smoothie

Dinner: Fried fish, mix of veg and potato, salad (Sat); Burger with mixed veg and potato, avocado, salad and half a bagel (Sun)

Dessert: coconut cake and ice cream and jelly beans (Sat); coconut cake and jellybeans (Sun)

covid19 - week 3 pictures

April 03, 2020

Things get quite dark. Life feels like it’s forever changed and may never return to pre-covid in my lifetime even though part of me hopes/doesn’t believe that’s true. Uncertainty, anxiety, fear become commonplace. When will this end? Will there be a breakthrough? Will the deaths begin to decline given one person every 42 seconds now in NYC. Cities declare things may be closed until July. Can we really do this like this til then? Three weeks feels much longer than that. I felt more alone and went down unfriendly rabbit holes. Mind rioting takes on a whole new level of understanding. It’s all too much to take in.

Week was harder to get out. Few days of solid rain, cold, more rain. The outside bits do reveal construction - like every single project the city ever dreamed of doing is happening. Buildings continue to be built (though how this is essential is incomprehensible), spring blooms begin to reveal a shape and color.