time is fleeting

September 02, 2024

i guess in hindsight, no matter what time of the year, time weaves in and out and seems to move faster with each passing year with the stretch of june to august always seeming to fly in a flash - like a ball of light hurling through space: one day it’s the beginning with a long span ahead and then whoosh - it’s early fall.

this year felt a little different. it began with a site visit to las vegas followed by a dip into my younger years in seattle and then kind of stalled; a rather lonely fourth + a lot of working til late day (which kind of killed any motivation to step out and breathe fresh air) and more rainy weekends than i care to recall. in short not as many beach days let alone the carefree wildness of summers past.

all too soon it was the paris olympics - a banner year i won’t ever forget for the imagination, creativity and sheer joyfulness which has sort of been a beacon in what’s often felt like heavy times. and in typical form, august appeared then evaporated.

the last week spent in what felt like early fall in nyc (work) followed by a trip to the jersey shore - to a place i haven’t been in years and years and forgotten how crowded it gets. it was good to just sit, stare at the waves breathing in and out and fill my lungs with salt water air.

in many regards the year ended as it began with a visit to luther gerlach/family for a wet plate refresher … and now with eyes forward to focusing on that journey ahead.

to summer 2024, thank you for the lost bits, the fragments of sea glass, the reflection and illusions and the dream that someday these three months will be endless.

the beginning

January 01, 2024

While the photo is from the ending, it offers the aspirations of the days before us - big skies and empty sands.

The conflict against the lushness of life is the undeniable pull of the undertow - that digs it’s tidal fingers into the deep pulling at the frays of the present. It’s a tricky wave to navigate for one can’t simply step over and to dive under requires squaring with some simple truths.

While each wave is born anew, it arises from a body as ancient as the sky: it is ageless and old. The dichotomy one begins to face off with as the years fade.

So I find myself a bit submerged into the deep and going to dwell a little below the surface knowing there will always be a moon to rise to in the days ahead.

a year

December 27, 2023

it was a year of photos by phone camera due to travel and more travel with one project running into the next. while the world continued to spin in an upside down state of absolute madness, i’ve maintained a healthy distance - one that’s actually led to bridging gaps with others of different views.

the first half the year i fell into mind wanderings cast under a spell of candy floss daydreams and lyrical words strung together like songs in the wind. but reality showed up mid summer eerily soon after a mid-year post that became rather prophetic. life became a murky ebb and flow of rip tides that remains a blur of tracking through quicksand.

i’ve moved through it all with what’s become a ritual of movement and breath at the beginning and ending of each day and smacked into a mountain of inquiries and philosophical meanderings that’s left me in a bit of a stupor - much like a bird is stunned after smacking into a window.

it’s a feeling of hopping onto a ride i’ve not been on before, one that may stop momentarily, but one there’s no getting off of - not so much grim but a fact. it’s moved at a pace that’s shined a light on the quickening of time and how it does move at an untenable pace. the stoics write the enemy is the fallacy of tomorrow … vs doing today. wisdom to hang one’s hat on.

as we turn the page of one year to the other, perhaps it’s wise to look to the span of just this day ahead - and those that will quickly follow - with an eye to that which quickens the heart, stimulates the mind, and stirs the flame inside.

this day

December 15, 2023

a day of mixed views - one one hand, it’s really only a passing of time; on the other, no denying the milestone
the past many months are a blur
often felt like i was swimming through mud
walking in a fog so thick you can’t see your hand in front of you
but i’ve still awoken to the sunrise and the golden shadows
looked to light of the full moon casting the white light of the sun
bowed my head in the practice that is as necessary as breathing
and carried on

the flashbacks of faded silhouettes
a young girl - wild, wandering, seeking
memories so deep and tangible
landing as a shimmer of softness, beauty, enchantment
((rearview reflections have a way of forgetting misery))
they felt like yesterday and antiquity at the same time

so how to walk into the next decade
square the tangle of conflicts raging inside
i considered stepping away to the northern lights, or to an art immersion, or a photo escape
all valid options
but what was missing in them all, was a lighthearted joyfulness
i’d like this next bit to be one of love, of laughter, of warmth and cheekiness
god knows the span of time spent in “serious” endeavors

so for this next bit, i chose to go all in on a lighhearted journey
to a postcard fantasy
to float on a lazy river
put my feet in sand
and be where dolphins dance and the sea sings

hbtm - pj

august

August 31, 2023

a month that felt like sand sliding through fingers…one impromptu trip to DC (the reason will be revealed in the coming months), another to OH to see my nearest/dearest, and long days at the beach that languish into a holy shit the end of summer is upon us. and it’s this particular seasonal transition i struggle with. there’s something about this time of year that is melancholic. i feel like the goddess demeter who mourned the return of persephone to hades - the dark underworld. dramatic take on things but that is how things land. so these help me remember that sweet taste of summer - the warmth of the sun, the sound of the sea and the feeling of warm sands teeming with dragonflies, butterflies and golden skies and the dark twilight with fireflies.

masquerading charades

August 27, 2023

it’s perfectly quiet
and perfectly still
so silent i heard a heartbeat

im not really lucid
im not really clear
the voices they cloud my vision

its a masquerade
in a game of charades
the faces and places of lies
we flied over the moon
kissed the sun as it bloomed
now its faded and leaving too soon

its words i can’t find
its words i can’t say
they catch in my throat in a sigh

the spinning wheel spins
of memories once lived
they’re washing away as i cry

its a masquerade
in a game of charades
the faces and places of lies
we flied over the moon
kissed the sun as it bloomed
now its faded and leaving too soon

veiled

July 31, 2023

when it all looks like
paint stains of gray
tree tears
and black mirrors
the upside down of things
turned inside out
like a fractured reflection

we are but bits of dust
watching the trails
of our souls
shoot across the sky
in some other neverland
the parallel line of
here and there
…..
july
this has been an interesting month
every aspect blown up for a revisit
a grand retrospective
a going backwards
to free oneself
and avail forward momentum again
it’s the venus retrograde im told
of epic proportions
and it doesn’t land in a way that makes any of it more palatable
or comfortable

it’s best to keep a soft focus
on the intangibles
and connect with that which is greater
spanning wider
breathing deeper
find that and hang on

july

July 31, 2023

the month of high summer … the heat never gets old. long days of humidity, the air thick with the sea. all is bright and infused with a blossoming of heat, a big sun rising and a full moon setting over the sea. it began with wide span of possibilities and unfolded in a way i didn’t anticipate.

peace

July 11, 2023

long sky
white sands
faces in the moon
stars fly
eagle sighs
a lovesong out of tune

a simple twist of fate
a kiss upon the lake
the owl sings low
the cries of crows
and all is lost
in silence

black night
soft glow
stardust in our bones
doves sigh
dolphins dive
a melody lost too soon

a simple twist of fate
a kiss upon the lake
the owl sings low
the cries of crows
and all is lost
in silence

strike

June 26, 2023

the show is over
we go our own ways
after so many nights
and endless days

the time seems so long
and then passes us by
left on my own
i can’t help but sigh

the faces i see
in the room
the laughter cascades
on the moon
feeling the love
that went by too soon

we live like family
out on the run
turning our faces
out into the sun
out of the dark
and into the light

i wish you all peace
may goodness abound
until we’re together
in the next round

the faces i see
in the room
the laughter cascades
on the moon
feeling the love
that went by too soon

passages

June 15, 2023

halfway in the last year of a decade
that feels like it belongs to an earlier time
for the gifts
of freedom
of beauty
of magic
of grace
that surround me at present
it’s been a long road to get to this now

so many early days
and years
of dark times
drenched in pain
and numbness
and voiceless echo’s

a teen
who’s silent screams
and disdain
were so painfully evident

a 20 something
taken by the whiteness
and liquidity of the times

the older 20 something
submerged in dreams
of silver chemicals
and brushstrokes

the 30 something
lost in a beautiful decade-plus bathed in emerald
of glistening mountains
& shimmering seas
almost like a hallucination
those times were so sweet

then those hollowed out years
of invisibility
and unknown despair
vanishing into nothingness

emerging on the other side now
strong, beautiful, powerful, wise

for all those million seconds when i didn’t, and couldn’t, and wouldn’t
i can
i will
i am

I’d be stretching the truth a bit if i didn’t express a certain apprehension at what looms on the horizon … a decade that’s sure to be filled with change - most i simply don’t want to look at let alone consider. While doing my level best to stand simply in the beautiful shine of this here day, i can’t deny there are nights where i wake up in a bit of a panic and it’s like the past flashes before me - all that was, all that is, all that might be. And that word “might” is key. I’m wired in a way that can fabricate nightmares out of dust and i’m thankful i’m dialed into the mental trickery that goes on - sometimes my head lies to me in my own voice and learning to distinguish exactly when that is has taken practice. So this is a bit of a tribute to those many years prior - a beginning sketch of where i’m at this year. Two self portraits taken in a time when my head was clear, feeling magical, powerful and rooted in a wild creativity. While time has shifted my appearance somewhat, i am still very much the me in these images - a dreamer and a believer in the power of love, kindness and magic.

the spell

June 08, 2023

“Suppose that time is not a quantity but a quality, like the luminescence of the night above the trees just when a rising moon has touched the treeline. Time exists, but it cannot be measured.”
― Alan Lightman, Einstein's Dreams

sometimes time drifts
like waves on sand
folding in
sliding out
fleeting
and
creeping
simultaneous rhythms
of patience
and perseverance
standing in each moment
savoring the depth

it’s been an odd time
pockets where things are zooming
and others where they’re like not so much

an injured pet that’s been a lesson in humility
in offering a wide space for recovery
and a metaphor for a myriad of surrounding situations

it’s just got me thinking about time
how sometimes it’s a lightning flash - gone as it appears
while others hang like the humidity of a midsummer day
and when these intertwine
it’s a dizzying balance

the only way through
for me
is movement

the slow sway in yoga
of grounding rhythms low and deep
filled with the gifts of grace
…
and sound
the dance to a symphony of words and music
that frees and lightens the soul

combined
they are moments filled with illuminating gifts
- of wisdom, of love, of expansive kindness

ghost of time

May 26, 2023

the greenest green
a thicket in the wild
the whitest white
clear and bright

sing to me from afar
cause the days are heavy
and time moves slow
but in the end
its only a ghost

slipping thru
and weaving in
days rush by
before we swim
within the deep
of all that is
the old tree watches
the elder weeps

sing to me from afar
cause the days are heavy
and time moves slow
but in the end
its only a ghost

somewhere over the rainbow

May 14, 2023

she wore flowers in her hair
like violets tangled in the moon
i can't hear the words now
they were slipped away too soon

shade
shine
through
the darkest light
the truest blue
bring me to my knees
where the low moon rises on the sea

her laughter carried on the wind
a spirit riding free in flight
i see that smile in rainbow skies
and in your eyes so bright

shade
shine
through
the darkest light
the truest blue
bring me to my knees
where the low moon rises on the sea

for you
for me
for all those
who are free

flight

May 05, 2023

5/5

Four years from one day when the ground broke
And shattered into a million tiny mirrors

Pieces of myself lay discarded, scattered, tarnished with neglect
The bits of reflection held the illusion
Years of hearing all the things i couldn’t
All that i wasn’t

When the noise is loud and repetitive enough, one can’t hear let alone see the embers swirling around

So somewhere along the line I vanished into nothingness
And experienced a hollow of aloneness
That worst kind of lonely when you aren’t even alone

And on that day, at that time when the light had faded, when I heard the ground crack open
and felt myself splinter, there was a tiny part of me that flickered.
It was something so long forgotten I had no words for it.

Hope.

Today I remember those first days, first week, month, and year out of honor.
For taking the time to find my dignity.
To reclaim my beautiful soul.
To remember all that it took to get to this place of here and now.
Standing in what i can, what i do, what i am.

Flying free in a sparkling reflection of mirrors cast in starlight.

the dust of life

April 29, 2023

sunflowers & heart puddle - witches memorial, salem

“Watch the stars in their course and imagine yourself running alongside them. Think constantly on the changes of the elements into each other, for such thoughts wash away the dust of earthly life.”

- Marcus Aurelius

When the past and present collide, it’s like a star explodes in my mind.

In a back and forth with one I’ve known for most of my life, she asked “Where did our youth go?”

after a moment, what surfaced -

“It left before we had time to fully embrace all it encompassed.”

The past few weeks I’ve been reminded of traces of many days past.

Finding that tug into the waves bittersweet knowing it’s a mind trap to wander into the meadows of distant shores

Better to be in the tall grasses we stand in today.

ten

March 14, 2023

10 years

the changes one experiences in a decade can be profound…some are transformative.

this last decade has been a dance through elements of epic change with periods where light felt eclipsed by darkness. what ive learned is is to hang onto that portal of light and in hindsight, can now see that its edges were only framed. in retro view, this one decade feels like a double of ten for all thats transpired.

so today in a moment of reflection, i can only say my heart is bursting with the beat of life

*Ocean is more ancient than the mountains, and freighted with the memories and the dreams of Time. - H. P. Lovecraft*

the loop

January 27, 2023

I don’t remember the first time walked these sands, but it’s as part of me as a pair of well worn shoes - its scent as familiar as my own breath. Tuned into waves of comfort, clarity, strength and peace of mind. I’ve walked the loop filled with tears of fear and weary eyes … only to be lifted by the sublime nuances of sea and sand. Today (and many days since) I walk with a joyful heart forever connected to the ocean tides of life. It is my personal go to place to be, to feel, to imagine, to experience.

2022 - the opening

January 06, 2023

It was a year when the world bloomed again and as life defaulted to what was before, it was almost like 2020 never happened. Not sure how to square that. I know there are plenty of many who were (and are) elated to be back out bursting in the sunshine. For me? I needed a gentler re-entry- kind of like steeping tea, I needed time to settle and soak in. Moving from silence to screaming has taken a bit of adjustment but in retrospect, I can’t deny the magnificence of being among people.

And I wasn’t alone - my day job was bananas as everyone everywhere was ready for in-person events again and it was a swirl of one running into another but amazing to travel and breathe in the air of new places despite the surrealism of 1000s of people huddled together without masks, but here we are.

In the midst of it all, just for fun, I had a serious hard drive crash and nearly lost every single photograph I’ve ever taken. I can’t describe the feeling one has at the possibility of one’s art being wipe clean. I got the lesson and took a good chunk of in preparations for a proper back-up system (hello synology). And because that wasn’t enough fun, the camera I’d had serviced was returned in a very different state (would not focus). As my go to for many years, I took a leap and unloaded my mainstay mark IV and fuji x for an R6 which has a bit of a learning curve.

All that to say, it wasn’t a year of abundant photographing with a camera and more of a year where my phone camera because a sketchbook. But I still have a handful of images I deem treasures - ones that linger long after they’ve been taken, and for that I’m grateful.