This week was difficult
And now a blur
Days melting into one
Furloughs
Project shifting
Weight gained
Back aches deeply
Foggy mind
Walking on jello
Chaos continues
“Take in UV Light and inject disinfectant” - that was really said
Washout days
Nice days
Ho hum days
Blending
Sleeplessness
Awakeness
Fear
Sadness
———-
First week I’ve felt a deep disconnect of irrelevancy
Feeling like my life has flashed in a pan of nothing
I have great stories that mean absolutely nothing
I’ve not cultivated or grown anything
And lost which or what is of any remote interest
My paintings suck
As do my colorings
I’m out of shape and practice
I’ve lost the ability to ideate and concept
To dance and move to an aligned rhythm
In a moment of panic, i wondered if this is what aging is
And what the fuck i’m going to do about it
Cause I can’t continue on wallowing in this
Yes, I dried up and faded to a slow curl over the past two decades
I wondered if all those things I let go of really meant anything to begin with
or
if i had lost hunger
But at 56, i cannot continue on through many more decades in a slow drift
I need to find the fight
And the discipline
And the desire again